Life Is A Grudge Match!
by narwhalpuppy
Summary: Our favorite depressed washed up has been horse actor is hosting a boxing reality show. Set a week before the Season Five finale.


Bojack Horseman in Association with Futurama Presents

A Narwhal Puppy Production

Grudge Match

Diane Nyguen's voice is heard as a voice over. "Live Exclusively at the Grand Olympic in Hollywoo! Comes a new reality show. Get ready for..." A bell is rung and Diane continues to introduce, "Grudge Match! Where Celebrities and Average Joes come to battle it out for fun! And here is our host, star of Secrectariat and you know him from Horsin' Around and the recently canned Web series Philbert...Bojack Horseman!" The audience erupts in cheers as Bojack Horseman comes into the boxing ring dressed as a referee. Walking up to the microphone, Bojack speaks into it, "Thank you! Thank you! Glad to see you all come in here tonight! Who wants to see some action?..."

Bojack had to hide the fact he was grieving for his mother who recently died.

The audience cheers again and a heckler shouts, "Hey! Aren't you the horse from Horsin' Around?" Bojack tries to ignore it, "Here on Grudge Match we aim not to be like The Contender meets The Apprentice..." Before Bojack can go on, another heckler shouts, "Say Yowza Yowza! Bo Yowza!" The audience laughs. "Trying to host a show here, just feel kind enough to ignore." "THAT'S TOO MUCH MAN!" the heckler went on again. Princess Carolyn who was an usher tracked down the heckler and it was not one but two hecklers. The Paparazzi Birds.

Princess Carolyn escorts them both from the Grand Olympic. "Let's not make a scene here you asses!" Bojack Horseman notices that the hecklers were gone, "Thanks for that. Felt like I was on Key and Peele there for a minute." The audience laughs some more. Bojack says, "As I was trying to say, here on Grudge Match we aim here to have fun! The only thing we win here is a championship belt and perhaps a shot at real boxing, and pit celebrities up against Average Joes! If a celebrity wins, he/she gets better acting gigs. We are not here to decide who's the best or nothing like that. Unless you expect this show to be like Cinderella Man!"

The audience cheers and laughs. Bojack said, "Let's bring out our two opponents!" You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet by Bachman-Turner Overdrive plays.

Diane announces the two contenders make their way to the ring. "On the left is former sitcom actor. My ex-husband. He too was on a show where he adopts orphans namely Zoe and Zelda. Former host of Hollywoo Stars: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things, Let's Find Out! Please welcome to the show, Mr. Peanutbutter!" "The Champ Is Here! The Champ Is Here! Get it? Will Smith when he played Ali!" Mr. Peanutbutter chants entering the ring. Another contender is seen entering from the right. "Coming all the way from the year 3019. Spaceship Captain, if there really is such a thing. A real ladies man and the Duece Bigalo of the future (but a lot less bungling), please also welcome to the show, Zapp Branigan!" Zapp entered with Kif who went to go sit in the audience. The audience claps, cheers, and chants all at once.

Zapp had entered the ring meeting Mr. Peanutbutter and Bojack Horseman. Zapp sarcastically scoffs, "That's my opponent? A Dog? This'll be easy!" "Don't bet on it! Just because you're from the future, doesn't mean I won't knock you on your ass!" warned Mr. Peanutbutter. "Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Don't take this seriously! We are here to have fun. Now I want to good clean fight, in the words of Mills Lane, 'Let's Get It On'"! The bell dings.

Mr. Peanutbutter and Zapp Branigan take their places and jump around in place. "Mr. Peanutbutter? ha ha ha ha ha ha! Is that some kind of bestiality thing?" Mr. Peanutbutter ignores Zapp's remark. Waiting for one to make their first move. "Mr. Peanutbutter! ha ha! ha! You canine son of a bitch! Bet you never been laid as much as I have!" Zapp said. Mr Peanutbutter spits back, "I've been married to Jessica Biel once! Married three times! Which is more than I can say for you! Were you ever married? Ever dated anyone famous?"

Zapp tells him, "Don't need to! Why would I want to be tied down to one woman when I can have all of them I want! That's the advantages a spaceship captain like myself has!" Bojack interferes, "We are not here for a conversation about love lives. These people here came to see a fight!" Zapp makes his first move, and Mr. Peanutbutter dodges. "Hmmm, quite good!" "Yeah, thanks! I have some experience in the athletic department!"

Bojack Horseman encourages the audience to motivate the contenders. "Where is your vivacity everyone? Tell these two you want more alacrity! This isn't a sleeper romantic comedy like How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days!"

"Not much in the marriage department! Where's your wife now? Why isn't she here?" Zapp laughs. "What I do is lure 'em into bed, have sex, then forget about them! If I find that special one, I chase her to the ends of the earth until she says yes!" Mr. Peanutbutter then gives Zapp an uppercut to his chin. "No wonder you never end up with a woman! You treat them like shit!" Zapp still has some fight in him, and he rammed and jolted Mr. Peanutbutter in the stomach than promptly gets back up. "Getting back up after that! Now to crack an egg over your head and watch the yolk..." Mr. Peanutbutter than delivers a punch that makes Zapp get knocked into the ground. "...drip down! Ha!" Mr. Peanutbutter dances around Zapp.

The audience is loving it! The crowd is going wild. Bojack said to the audience, "Wow! Look at these two going at it! Who will win! Who will go down!"

Brushing himself off, Zapp said, "Okay, no more Mr. Nice Zapp!" Mr. Peanutbutter said, "Less blasphemy more slug fest!" Bojack says, "We are not here to make fun of one another! Shut up and fight!" "It is on!" said Zapp. Princess Carolyn sees what looks like a person in a trench coat giving people in the audience that looked like tickets. "No. I won't bother." Princess Carolyn tells herself. "But is that part of that show? Hmmm, maybe not." Princess Carolyn decides to enjoy Grudge Match.

Mr. Peanutbutter and Zapp Branigan were doing all sorts of punches, left hooks, uppercuts, and crosses. Their hits landed on their faces, foreheads, chests, ribs, and arms. Blood was drawn as was sweat. Bojack Horseman goes up to the microphone and tells everyone, as the camera freezes showing a freeze frame of Mr. Peanutbutter and Zapp Branigan about to knock out each other. "We will be back after this commercial break! So stay tuned for more GRUDGE MATCH!"

The commercial break ended, the match between Mr. Peanutbutter and Zapp Branigan wages on. Diane says in the voice over, "And we are back with more Grudge Match! When we last left Zapp Branigan and Mr. Peanutbutter really were going at it! Sparring one another back and forth! Who will win! Let's find out!" Bojack Horseman sees Zapp Branigan trying to punch Mr. Peanutbutter below the belt, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Just like in real boxing! Not crotch hitting!" Zapp says, "All right! Just want to win against this mangina!" Mr. Peanutbutter gets really raged and says, "A real man treats women with dignity! Gigolos like you are wuss minded assholes! And I'm about to show you that, right now!" Zapp Branigan pops Mr. Peanutbutter in the mouth and says, "Taste my velour boxing gloves!"

Mr. Peanutbutter then implies, "You're just lucky I don't bite off your ear!" Referring to the infamous match where Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear. "The most erotic part of the woman is the..." before Zapp can finish, Mr. Peanutbutter smacks him in the lower jaw with a left uppercut, then punches Zapp in the chest then the midsection which has him collapse into the corner. Mr. Peanutbutter wins the first match of the show.

Bojack Horseman raises Mr. Peanutbutter's hand and declares him the victor, "The winner of the first Grudge Match is Mr. Peanutbutter!

The audience was cheering and Zapp Branigan was out cold like a light. Zapp had many injuries upon him. A cut to the forehead, swollen cheeck, broken chin, and cracked ribs. Kif Kroker comes onto the ring. "Sir! Sir! You okay?" Kif gets some water and Zapp was able to drink it. "Thanks Kif! Why did you talk me into coming onto this show?" asked Zapp. "It was your idea to come here to show people of the past..." Kif argues. "Well it's your fault I lost!" said Zapp. "Always with the blame. It never fails! Why am I always the villain with you?" asked Kif. "Because of you, I will never get a boxing career!" "That's only if you're an average...oh never mind!" Zapp and Kif continue to have a major dissension as they walk out of the ring.

Bojack Horseman sees Zapp and Kif argue and jokes, "Can't we all just get along!" The audience laughs and then chant, "We Want Round 2!" Bojack Horseman tries to calm down the audience, "Now now. This isn't a real boxing match as I've explicated before. This is a one hour reality show!" The audience calms down afterwards, "Time for an interview then another match!" The scene changes into an office with Bojack doing an interview with Mr. Peanutbutter.

"So this is the interview part, right?" asks Mr. Peanutbutter who then jokes, "Why not do an Interview With a Vampire! Both you and that movie were famous in the 90's so you have a lot in common with that!"

"Yes indeed. Very funny by the way. What made you want to come to Grudge Match, Mr. Peanutbutter?"

"The show we were on Philbert stopped production and I heard about this reality boxing show. Rutabaga Ribbotowitz was the one who suggested I be on here."

"You are fully aware that if a celebrity like yourself wins a boxing match, you can get more acting gigs."

"Correct, Bojack. All the reason why I came. After what the audience saw tonight, who knows? I might get roles for action movies. Unlike yourself."

"Now come on here, Mr. Peanutbutter, this is an interview."

"Now wait here. If you think about it, this could be your career, hosting this reality show. But don't worry. Lots of actors go onto host reality shows. Rob Lowe has Mental Samarai, Dwayne The Rock Johnson has The Titan Games..."

Bojack ignores Mr. Peanutbutter's cynicism at him, "How did it make you feel how Zapp Branigan insulted you like that?"

"Gave me all the more motivation to kick that pitiable wasteful ass of his! The nerve of him how he had to exhibit and disport that tremendous ego that he had."

Shaking Mr. Peanutbutter's hand, Bojack says, "We will aspire to many more acting gigs after this is done."

"Thank you for being here. This will be my permanent gig if this show gets good ratings."

"It's been a pleasure to be here, Bojack! Now knock 'em dead out there!"

The interview with Mr. Peanutbutter was over. Now it was onto the next round. The audience was cheering as Bojack entered the ring once more. "WE WANT A FIGHT! WE WANT A FIGHT! WE WANT A FIGHT!"

"If it's a fight you want! A fight is what you're going to get!" Bojack assures the audience. "Now let's bring out our next contenders!"

Allan Parson's Project Don't Answer Me plays as two more contenders enter to fight on Grudge Match.

Entering alone was Todd Chavez, Diane announces, "On the left, it's former drug addict and high school dropout. Then became an assistant to Mr. Peanutbutter, Creator of a Rock Opera that never came to pass, Improv Comedian, CEO of Cabracabra, Governor of California, CEO of Toothy Grin, and now President of Ad Sales at What Time Is It Now dot com, please welcome Todd Chavez!"

The audience cheers when they see Todd step in the ring. Diane continues, "On the right, A Pizza Delivery Boy from New York City who was frozen for 1000 years. Now is a delivery boy for the futuristic postal company Planet Express please give a big hand to Philip J. Fry." Fry enters the ring with Bender who then sits with the audience.

"It's only fair to warn you skin tube! You better not mess this up! Win this round for me! Bender!"

Fry assures, "I will buddy. This asshole looks pretty easy to beat. Always been jealous of people who've accomplished more than I have."

"Hard to fathom this dude dropped out of high school!" Bender agrees.

"I know, right. At least I graduated and went to college for three days." Fry chucks.

"Remember why we are here, right?" asked Bender to Fry.

"To make me a boxer. Then I can impress Leela, and defend myself when we're up against evil as you like to call them sons of bitches?"

"Nope! To make me be your manager so I can pimp you, meatbag!"

"Of course!"

"Get outta my sight and go kick some ass!" Bender demands Fry as he sat back and drank a beer bottle.

Todd and Fry take their places in the ring, Bojack tells them, "You both know the rules. No hitting below the belt. And let's not have any more insults like last time! May the best man win! Let's get it on!"

The bell rang, and Todd and Fry were ready to fight.

Fry asks Todd, "So you dropped out of high school. How were you able to make good on yourself without going to college?"

"You'd be gobsmacked at how the prospects of living with Bojack Horseman has made me go far in life!" Todd answers.

Todd and Fry begin with their fight as Princess Carolyn sees Bender drink a beer. "Excuse me, sir! No alcohol here!"

"Bite my shiny metal ass, catwoman!" Bender yelled at her.

"Take that shit outside, now!" Princess Carolyn warns Bender.

"What're gonna do? Pounce on me and scratch me? Good luck trying!" said Bender. "There are rules here we have to follow, even the audience has to abide!" said Princess Carolyn. "Rules don't apply to me!" said Bender back at her. Princess Carolyn ignores Bender as she once again spots the concealed person in the trench coat. "This is not over, I'm not done with you yet, robot!" Princess Carolyn goes to see who was in the trench coat.

"Do you have any tickets, mister?" she asks. The trench coated person turned out to be Vincent Adultman.

"Vincent Adultman! What the hell are you doing here?" Princess Carolyn asks. "Placing bets!" implies Vincent. "That's gambling. It's not aloud! We don't even know if this show is going to be a success yet!" Princess Carolyn said. "That is why I'm doing this. Gambling is hard. It's just like adulting." Vincent smirked. Princess Carolyn tells Vincent, "Get out now!" "No I'm not, oh we haven't seen each other in a while, would you like to go out with me again..."asked Vincent who then gets a beer bottle thrown in his face. "Whoops! Heads up! That was meant for you feline bimbo!" shouted Bender.

Princess Carolyn grunts then she pulls Vincent Adultman outside the Grand Olympic to call an ambulance.

At the ring, Fry tries his finest to beat Todd. Fry was extremely inundated at how Todd can fight. Bojack encourages Fry, "Come on! Give it a shot dude! You act like you've never fought before! Give the people what they came here to see." Bojack then thinks to himself, "And people think I'm a stupid piece of shit!" Todd tells Fry, "My parents kicked me out and I lived on the streets. I had to know how to fight!" Fry tries to knock out Todd and kept missing. "Oh snap! You're too fast for me. Bender told me this was going to be easy!" Todd smacks Fry in the face. "Easy? Did that look simple? Should have covered your face!" Todd taunts him. "Listen to the horse, meatbag! Kick this guys ass!" demands Bender. Todd cracks up, "Meatbag! That's out of context! You don't have any meat on you!" Fry gasps as he was insulted then tries like hell to hit Todd.

Fry actually hits Todd in the stomach, but it didn't phase him at all. "Is that your best?" Todd said. "I've lived with drug dealers! You're probably spoiled by your rich parents!" Fry yells, "You don't know me! I wasn't rich!" Todd continues to knock out Fry who then thinks, "This must be how it was like for Sylvester the Cat when he fought Hippety Hopper!" "Refrain from the insults and just fight!" Bojack said to them. Fry tries to hit Todd in the groin area, Bojack berates him, "Hit below the belt and you're done!" Todd knew to dodge Fry's attempts to hit him.

"Oh yeah! You should've seen all the deliveries I've been on and all the villains I've had to take on!" protests Fry. "I was a policeman once!" "So what? I was governer and switched places with a Prince! You're not the only dumbass in the world who did anything that needed an education!" Todd said. However, Todd was nowhere around. "Hmmm, where are you? Come out here! Come out here! Get back here! You afraid I'll kick you ass?!" Princess Carolyn is back in the Grand Olympic building after taking Vincent Adultman in an ambulance to the hospital. Seeing the robot again, she tells Bender to leave. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Bender gets in Princess Carolyn's face, "Not going to! You have no idea who you're screwing with here, bitch!" "You were not courteous and you did not follow the rules the show has for the audience. "Laws and rules! I don't do laws and rules!" Bender gets in Princess Carolyn's face. She then decides she has had enough of Bender's impudence.

At the fight, Diane announces, "Oh what a turn of eventuality we are seeing here tonight. Fry is delirious and hysteric wondering where to find his sparring oppoenent! "Crud! Where could he have gone. Stuff like this has happened to me before..." Fry tries to look around for Todd who seems to be in hiding. Princess Carolyn finally takes it upon herself and removes Bender from the Grand Olympic by shoving him to the exit. "Hey! What do you think you're doing to me! You're worse than 1000 Leelas put together. Princess Carolyn opens the exit door, and Bender still refuses to leave. "There's the door go out it and never come back until you learn how to follow the rules!"

"Todd! Oh Todd! Where are you? Come out! You can come out now. Is this hide and seek you're playing."

"It might be, you better find him soon or you're out of the game." warns Bojack.

"You're right! Don't worry Bender! I won't let you down!"

Bojack even wonders where Todd might've gone. "Todd! Todd! Is Todd Chavez here?" Diane says, "Woah! Fry! What are you going to do now? It appears that Todd has vanished completely and..."

Todd comes from behind Fry, "Dude! Behind you!" Fry looks and it's Todd who commends an uppercut to Fry's chin, jab in the gut, right hook on Fry's eye, and finishes off Fry with a counter punch that sends Fry flying into the ropes. Fry gets tangled up in the ropes then he gets twisted until he falls onto the ring. Fry's shoe falls off and he had two black eyes, cuts all over his face, and huge bruises on his stomach. Bojack raises Todd's hand and says, "And the winner of the second round of Grudge Match is Todd Chavez!" The crowd goes insane over Todd's victory over Fry. Diane announces, "Yes! Todd Chavez! Ladies and Gentlemen! Has won the second round! So him and Mr. Peanutbutter are today's winners of Grudge Match!"

Todd stands proudly, "Hooray! Hooray! I won the match! I won! I won!" Bojack gives Todd the Championship Belt for the Grudge Match show. "Todd! Congratulations! Loved that stunt you pulled when you disappeared! You totally confused that dumb asshole!" Bojack boasts to his friend. "Where did you go?" the horse actor wondered. Todd explains, "That was easy found a hidden door at the ring and hid underneath then came back out before he knew it!" "That's awesome Todd! Think your days of being homeless has had a liquidating impact on you!"

"Gotta do what you can to survive! Before I came here. I watched lots of boxing movies. Everything from Against the Ropes to The Great White Hype. Mr. Peanutbutter even showed me some moves himself!"

Bojack says as the audience was roaring with cheers, "Let's bring out our winners for today! Mr. Peanutbutter, come back out here!" As Mr. Peanutbutter joined Todd and Bojack on the stage, Princess Carolyn was still at odds with the confrontational Bender who was now smoking a cigar. "No smoking here! You're smoking now!" she screamed at the robot. Bender then gets distracted when he sees Fry all injured, "What the hell! Your ass is mine later chump!" Bender tells Princess Carolyn. Diane announces, "Mr. Peanutbutter and Todd are todays winners. You can expect great things from both of them in the future! Hope you all enjoyed Grudge Match tonight! Back to you, Bojack."

"Thanks Diane! Attention people at home, Would you like to be a contestant on Grudge Match? Just email us at GrudgeMatch FOXtv .com! This is Bojack Horseman saying join us next time for another exciting episode of Grudge Match! Good night everybody!"

The credits played. Bender enters the ring and he tries to revive Fry. "Dammit Fry! We had a sure thing here! How could you let that loser beat you? Did you forget everything you were taught in the future?" Fry moans in pain. Zapp and Kif soon join them. "We lost too." said Zapp.

"Can we go back to the year 3019 now? I've had it with Hollywoo!" Kif said. Bender carried Fry out of The Grand Olympic and Zapp and Kif followed. Exiting the famed boxing arena, Farnsworth appeared to them with a time machine. "Is there Good News Everyone?" asked the Professor. "We are sore losers." mumbled Zapp. "The Bojack Horseman characters won against us." explains Kif. Bender rants, "We had a sure thing and we lost it! Now I'll never be a boxing promoter and exploit Fry for profit!"

"Bleeehhhhh." Fry moaned. "Can't believe I lost to a homeless druggie."

"You win some, you lose some. They'll be other times for you to be a badass Bender. Get into the Time Machine and we'll go back home." Farnsworth tells them. Zapp, Kif, Fry, and Bender all entered as the time machine as it flew into the sky.

Later on the next day, Bojack was in the office of Charley Witherspoon.

"I understand Bojack you hosted Grudge Match the new reality boxing show." Charley Witherspoon says.

"Yeah I have. Did it do good in the ratings? Can I sign on for more episodes?" asked Bojack hopefully.

Charley Witherspoon says, "It's going to be a mid season replacement show. It's actually a mini series type of reality show."

"What does that mean?" asked Bojack.

"Grudge Match will only be on for three months."

"No! Son of a bitch! I need to get a longer gig than THAT!" Bojack shouts.

"Sorry you weren't informed of this before. Just enjoy what you have."

"But...but..."

"Goodbye Mr. Horseman."

Bojack dolefully walks out of Charley's office. Mr. Peanutbutter and Todd were waiting.

"How did it go?" asked Mr. Peanutbutter.

"It's only going to be a three week mid season show." said Bojack.

"Hey at least you were lucky to land something." said Todd.

"Just wish I could make a comeback and...aww shit! I'm going to the bar."

Bojack walks off to the bar. Mr. Peanutbutter and Todd drive back to Bojack's house.

Mr Peanutbutter asks Todd, "Are you now going to have a career in boxing now that you've won that show?"

Todd says, "Nah. I'll just keep the championship belt. I turned that boxing thing down."

Princess Carolyn is at the bar with Bojack. "Did you enjoy the show?" he asks her. "No I tried to kick out this robot that would not listen to me." Princess Carolyn told Bojack.

"Is this a permanent thing you have with this Grudge Match show?"

"It's done in three weeks."

"This will possibly lead to you getting something better."

"After losing my mother, it was hard for me to be on there and put on a brave face."

"You did well. The best you could ever be."

Bojack drowns his sorrows at the bar talking to Princess Carolyn while Mr. Peanubutter and Todd wait for him to come home.

The End

The Proceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production!

End Note: Don't click that email. It's not real. My fanfiction is not meant to be a character bashing or an anti fandom thing. Is in no way bashing one fandom while praising another. It was written all in the name of fun. I do still like Futurama, but I've lost interest since I got into Bojack Horseman. This is going to be my last fanfiction until September. I'm going on vacation in Las Vegas then I will do some volunteering all summer when I get back. See you in the fall and have a safe and happy summer to all my fanfiction writing friends!


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